


April 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [9]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sexual Content, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 22:13:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/627076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark tries to work out his issues in his journal while juggling friendships and his mother's knowledge of his true relationship with Lex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	April 2004

01 April @ 12:02 am

Lex isn't home. I tried calling but nobody answered. I want to go over. I need to get away from all of this, get away from the freak stuff that happens. I guess that isn't possible. No matter how hard I try. Even when I'm not trying to find it, it finds me.

My mom almost died today. If I hadn't been at the right place at the right time she would be ash right now. I don't even know what to think. This man had this freak accident and then he comes into town. Without even realizing it, he wreaks havoc on the people around me, thinking he was helping them. I stopped him just before he killed Whitney's dad. The he killed himself right in front of me before I could stop him. 

Dad and I still aren't talking. I don't know what to say to him. Mom gave me this speech about regret, and then I gave Whitney a speech about regret because he refused to go see his dad in the hospital. It seems to be that regret and death are today's topics. 

I'm glad the day is over. I want to go to the mansion now.

01:26 pm

I told Lex about what happened to Whitney's dad. I can't believe how amazing Lex is. He's getting some of the key player of the Metropolis Sharks to come all the way to Smallville to play a game of football with Whitney so his father can watch his son fulfill a dream.

Lex just called to tell me what he'd arranged. He asked me to wait for him at school since the players would be coming there to play tonight.

 

02 April @ 05:55 pm

The game was a hit. Lex was a hit. I can't wait to thank him in private. My dad and I made up. We're going fishing on Sunday. I still don't really want to go, but Lex said I should go. He's right. Dad just wants me to be happy.

I get Friday night to myself since mom and dad are going out to dinner. I think I'll see if Lex is available. I want to try this thing with my tongue. I brought an extra blanket out to the loft so we won't get cold.

I got a chance to talk to Lana at the game. She seemed in better spirits. After dad and I got back from the game I was in such a great mood. I need to get to bed now. I have so much work to do in the morning since I skipped chores tonight.

 

04 April @ 01:05 am

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a father like Lex's dad. My dad seems to dislike Mr. Luthor to the point of projecting that dislike on Lex. I've never held his lineage against Lex. I know Lex doesn't hold who my father is against me. I'm just a farmer's son. My dad isn't perfect. He forces me to be something I'm not sometimes.

So I understood when Lex told me what he did.

I understand trying to live up to what your father wants. I try to do that every day. I'm going on a fishing trip that I don't want to go on to make my dad happy. I want my dad to be proud of me. I want him to be happy with the son he raised.

But more and more, I see that it will never happen. My dad expects me to do great things. He tells me I'm meant for so much more, and that one day I'll live up to that. I have no doubt that Lex hears the same thing from his father.

It's an expectation that part of me hates, and part of me strives to live up to every single day. 

I can't imagine what it's like to be Lex, to live in his whole other world. He's one of the strongest people I know. I know a little bit about his life before he came to Smallville. He told me his father sets only one limitation, which is to not cause a scandal and to not get caught. I imagine Lex's relationship with me is one of those 'don't get caught things.'

He said he needed to get a message across to his father in a way that Mr. Luthor would understand. Sometimes words aren't enough, and I get that. I had to make my dad believe that I was freaked over the car accident so I shoved my arm in the wood chipper. It was a dramatic action for a dramatic moment. Sometimes dramatic is what some people understand.

I've done things that I never told my dad about. Things that I think he wouldn't be proud of. I can't imagine drugging somebody and driving them to my father to get a message across, but I can imagine other things. I have never hurt another person on purpose, but I've been forced to hurt people on purpose.

Did Lex feel like he was forced to do what he did? Maybe I should ask him. I need to think on this some more. Dad has everything ready for the trip and I need sleep.

@ 11:13 pm

The trip was not terrible. I had an okay time. We didn't catch anything. We did sit and stew a lot and talk a lot. I wasn't really sure how to get through to dad about how things have changed for me. I'm not the same boy anymore. I think he just wants to pretend it isn't happening. I know he hates that one day I'll leave and become something different.

Ever since Lex hit me with his car my life has been turned upside down. I figured out one of the reasons dad doesn't like him. He blames Lex for forcing him to tell me the truth. I think if it weren't for that accident, dad would have kept the secret for as long as possible. I love my dad but I have to admit I hated him just for a moment when I found out how much of a freak I really am. He kept this secret from me for all these years.

Towards the end of our trip I brought Lex up. I asked dad why he hates him so much. Dad, of course, denied that he hates Lex. I called him on it, and before I knew it we were shouting into each other's faces. That was when he yelled that if it hadn't been for Lex our lives (his life) would be so much easier. I dragged it out of him what he meant by that.

At first I was so angry I ran off, but after ten minutes I went back. Dad was still just sitting there staring into the water. I told him I'm not a boy anymore. I am a freak alien that he raised. At first he told me to stop, but then I showed him.

Then I told him that the day Lex hit me with his car was one of the best days of my life. I told him I was glad it happened, and that now I can deal with something I should have already been dealing with all my life. After I said that, dad didn't say anything else.

He can't hate somebody for taking away something he never had. Dad thinks he can control this. I love him and mom. That is never going to change, but they have to let me be myself. In the end this is what dad doesn't like. He knows that Lex is bringing something out in me that nobody else ever has.

Even after all this, I still couldn't tell him what Lex really means to me. I did tell him one thing. I told him that one day I'm going to tell Lex what I am. He was not happy, but I think he needed to hear it. I felt so brave, telling him that.

It's funny, even though I can bench-press a tractor, I'm still afraid of my father.

 

05 April @ 10:07 pm

Mr. K hit Lex in the face. I wasn't really sure how to feel about this at first. I know I didn't like it. I kept most of what thought to my self. I told myself I'm just overprotective, but the real truth is I don't like it when Lex is hurt. I know it seems common sense but Lex is not just anybody.

When I did the deliveries today, I had to change my route around since we have a few new clients. So Lex wasn't in his office to say hello, like he usually is. I did run into Mr. K. This was a weird encounter for me since a small part of me wanted to punch his lights out. I can admit that here. Most people who know me can say I'm a very quiet person. I would never hurt anybody on purpose. At least that was the case a few years ago. Now it seems like they are fighting for the privilege of my fist in their face.

It's not as bad as it sounds. Like I said I hate it when my friends get hurt, so I always step in whenever I can.

I didn't hit him. I did however tell him that Lex is my priority number one and that he is who I would stand behind no matter what action Lex took. I'm not saying I will blindly stand by. I have never threatened someone like that before. It didn't hit me what I'd done, until I was at the next stop on my delivery route.

I told him to never punch Lex again, and implied that something bad would happen to him if he did. The truth is, I don't really think I'd do anything. Or maybe I would.

 

07 April @ 12:36 am

I dressed up to go see Lex and I find him in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I can't seem to catch a break. I had a boring night last night. Lex didn't call back until the next day. He was busy with fiscal year end (what ever that means).

When I went by the mansion to see him, it was like I'd just walked into the twilight zone. I found Lex and Mr. K in the office with empty Slurpee cups. I walked in and thought I was in the wrong house. I've never seen Lex so relaxed. He looked so happy. 

I'm happy they're getting along, but do they have to get along so well? I trust Lex completely. It's just that he'd never ask me to do that kind of stuff. They played hooky today. Lex said that he and Mr. K. went for a drive in my car. Not that it's actually my car. It's just the car that Lex and I use when we go for drives together, and Lex took him for a drive in it. And drank Slurpees.

I don't understand. Just a few days ago Mr. K punched Lex out and now they're sharing a car ride, and drinking Slurpees. Plus Lex was in jeans. He never wears jeans for me.

And then he said something about a car hood. What was he doing with him and a car hood? I didn't want to know. All I know is they looked really happy when I walked in on them and Mr. K was laughing. Plus Slurpees.

I wanted to take Lex for Slurpees. I would have taken him for Slurpees if I'd known it was something he wanted to do.

Mr. K. left us alone and after Lex agreed that some time soon we could go for Slurpees, we played a game of pool. He won the two games we played, but I don't really care. It was nice to be near him, although it sucked to have those Slurpee cups taunting me. 

Then we made out for a while. I could taste the cherry coke Slurpee on his lips. It was nice to just kiss and be together. I wish Lex would wear jeans more often. He looked soooooooooo hot in them.

 

08 April @ 11:15 am

Yesterday was so exciting. (Said with sarcasm because that doesn't translate well to the page) 

I didn't really get to see Lex much. When I saw his car outside the Talon, I went in to say hi, but he was busy with Mr. K and Chloe. Unfortunately I couldn't join them since I had a bunch of things to do. 

While I was there, I ran into Pete so I asked him to give me a ride home. We stopped at his place for a few hours to shoot some hoops. We've both been so busy with our English paper that I haven't really had much of a chance to hang out with him. We talked about the upcoming formal. He already has a list of girls he wants to ask. He urged me to forget about Lana, and I told him that I don't think about Lana that way any more. Then he brought up the idea of me asking Chloe. I didn't say anything to that. I haven't really thought about it much since I found out, and since she hasn't brought it up, I guess she decided to leave it alone.

Of course, there's no way I could ever go with Lex. I don't even think I want to go at all. I'm not that crazy about those things any way.

02:30 pm

The truth is when I saw Lex's car parked in front of the Talon, I was so excited. But when I went in and saw that he was there with Mr. K that excitement died.

I know I shouldn't begrudge him a friend. I don't, but there's this small part of me that is afraid he'll see just how boring I am and move on to somebody like him. How am I supposed to compete? He's Lex's age and way more sophisticated. He's better looking and has way more in common with Lex. I know I shouldn't feel insecure, but it's hard not to. I have to stop being this way. Lex deserves better. I totally blew him off yesterday, and that wasn't fair to him.

I was just so surprised to see them there together. Chloe and Lana were there with them. When I walked in, they were all laughing and having such a good time. And Lex looked so at ease. He never looks that way with me.

I know that it's just jealousy, but I can't help it. I'll just have to keep it in control. I need to be way more mature about this.

 

09 April @ 10:38 pm

Lex is right. I am so jealous of Mr. K, and it's stupid and irrational since I know Lex would never sleep with him. I just think back to the way I felt when he told me what he did with Victoria and I freeze inside. I thought I'd put that behind me, behind us. I know he won't do anything with Mr. K.

Then I do all the wrong things and say all the wrong words. I forced Lex to tell me he would never cheat and I did it at a moment when he was most vulnerable. Lex didn't seem to mind but I hate that I did it. I hate it! I want it to go away and never have happened.

I thought if I asked him to do it to me that maybe things would be better. Like if I could give it to him he'd feel better or I'd feel better. It was a stupid thing to think. I know I want him to fuck me one day. I dream about it. I fantasize about him taking control of me and making me feel human. 

He said that if I knew how much he wanted me it would scare me. He's not in a rush to get there. I think it was the wrong time to bring it up. I know it was. I was grasping at anything. I thought I'd already explained to Lex what all of this, what him liking me, means. 

I've never been the kind of person that anybody has ever wanted to be with. Lex is the first person to ever show this much interest in me. Normally I am teased, taunted, picked last, and strung up in a field. I try to fly under the radar. It doesn't always help. I know Lex doesn't see me that way.

It's hard to show him what all those years of being a freak have done. And now that I know just how much of a freak I am, where do I go from here?

We tried to play a game of pool except I broke the pool cue in half. I didn't even realize I'd done it until I heard the crack of the wood. I don't usually lose control like that, but then my mind had totally wandered. It's like my stupid body wanted to remind me of what I am. Like I could ever forget.

@ 11:58 pm

Honest. That is all he wants me to be. 

Okay let me try this.

Dear Lex, 

I'm an alien that fell to earth with the meteor rocks. I caused you to go bald. You hit me with your car on the bridge. If it wasn't for me this town would be a better place and a lot of people would be better off. 

yours truly 

Clark the alien Kent.

 

10 April @ 12:09 am

Lex is going away for a few days on business. 

We've been dealing with a rough period. We have things we need to work through. I have issues. I know we can work it out. I'm determined to get past things in my own way. I care too much about what we have and us.

I want to be honest from now on about what I'm feeling.

 

11 April @ 09:51 am

I have so much work to do today. Dad asked me to stay close to home. Yesterday at lunch mom was quiet like she was thinking hard about something. I'm not sure what's going on, but my parents have been distant. I hope they didn't have a fight. I didn't hear anything, but I was out in the far field last night to be alone.

Mom and I went into town yesterday to do some shopping. She seemed fine then, but later on in the evening she seemed, I don't know, lost or something. I feel this sense of gloom today. I fell asleep late last night and woke up early. I had the nightmare again. It seemed so real.

It's funny, usually when I go into town, I stop in and talk to a few people but I really wasn't in the mood. I didn't even go into the Talon to see if Lana was working. When mom and I went to Forman's department store, I stayed away from Whitney. He saw me but we just seemed to mutually agree to ignore each other. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. Maybe all this is just the change of season.

Dad and I are going to get the tractor fixed. We need another part for it, so I'm off to the next county over with my dad. A friend of his says he has an extra part that he can give to us for nothing. Dad will offer him something in exchange. He always does. Maybe I could do some work for him around his farm. He's older and can't really do as much work as he used to.

I think maybe I'm going to try to talk to mom tonight. I could use a different perspective. I'm not sure how much to say or leave out. I can't exactly tell her what I did to Lex. I doubt mom would be all that thrilled with me.

 

12 April @ 07:52 am

I talked to mom last night after dinner. I don't even know why I bothered. She's afraid of who I will tell my secret to. She told me that I have to lie. I stressed how much it hurt, and all she could say was she was sorry that I have to lie to my friends. I'll just have to pretend for the rest of my life that I'm human like the rest of them.

I suppose this is some kind of cosmic Karma for all those deaths the meteors cause.

I think maybe I'll have to just cool things down completely with Lex. I hope he understands. I have a feeling when he knows the truth he will hate me. I wouldn't blame him. I hate myself right now.

He's supposed to come back some time tomorrow.

@ 10:41 pm

I went by the mansion today to drop off the Monday delivery. I knew Lex wasn't going to be there. I got a chance to talk to Mr. K. He was cool about how I've been acting lately. He told me that I should go straight to him from now on if I have a problem. I told him I would, but the truth is I don't really have a problem with him. Yes I was jealous, but that's over. I know that Lex wants to be with me.

School was triple loads of boredom today. After I finished the deliveries I had a ton of chores to do. 

My dad is currently fixing a part from his motorcycle on the kitchen table. I know I shouldn't smile when I hear my mom yell at him for it, but it just makes me happy to see them so normal.

I have a huge pile of homework waiting for me. I guess I should get to that.

 

3 April @ 10:01 pm

Everybody around me seems to think I would make a great class president so I'm going to run. Even mom and dad, who usually want me out of the spotlight, said I should. Since that's settled, I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. Pete is sure that I'll win. Lana thinks I would do a great job. She said all these really cool things about me that I never even realized she saw. It was so nice to hear them.

I have a slogan now thanks to Lex. He came up with it. What do you think? 

'Man of tomorrow' 

It sounds catchy doesn't it? I called Pete up right away to let him know what my new slogan is, and he said he was on it. When I asked what he meant, he told me to just sit back and let him take care of everything. 

I went by to ask if Lex knew about the Talon losing business. When I dropped by the Talon to see Lana, she was upset about it. I just hope things don't fall apart for her. Lex told me she has to make it on her own. At first I thought he was being a little harsh but then I realized he's right. If he does things for her then he would have been the one that succeeds, but if he leaves it to her she can feel the pride of the results. 

I know our time apart really helped and now I'm not as anxious about things as I was before.

 

14 April @ 08:06 pm

Pete and Lana both have confidence in me, but Chloe doesn't seem to. She's right about needing a platform and deciding what I stand for, but I still can't believe she endorsed one of the other candidates.

At least Pete is behind me. You wouldn't believe the amount of work he's put into my campaign. He's so gun-ho, making flyers, t-shirts, and buttons. I'm so excited now.

I've met more people today than I think I've met the whole time I've been in high school. I got invitations to parties and everything. I even have some guarantied votes. Lana is going to voting for me.

Even if I don't win at least I'm having fun.

Pete and I went by the Talon. Things were still pretty bad. The only customers were Whitney and his football palls and that girl Lana has told me about. While I was there, I ran into Lex. He stopped by to see how things were going and basically told Lana that she has to make it on her own. He let her know that it's up to her whether she sinks or swims. I totally understand where he's coming from, but she didn't seem too happy about his stance. I just wish she'd try to understand that he isn't waiting for her to fail. I know Lex is just trying to give her the confidence she needs to make it work on her terms. It's just like he said to me when I asked him if he could give me any tips for how to campaign. He told me I could win on my own merits. 

Lex and I had our coffees to go and headed over to the mansion. He did help me out on my speech.

@ 09:42 pm

How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself when he jumps on me like that? As soon as Lex and I were alone, locked in his office, he pushed me to the sofa. He was on top of me and I wanted to rip his clothes off. I refrained and only pulled his pants down so I could get to his cock. I couldn't help it. I didn't jerk off the whole time he was gone. I wanted to wait for him. 

It was worth the wait. I lay back on the sofa and held him over me. I was too anxious to taste that I didn't even care if he noticed how strong I am. I was as careful as I could be. Lex has the most incredible body. I want to touch, caress, and lick him all over. The feel of his hot skin on my fingers made me so hard. Everything about him made me hard.

I gave him control. When I had him above me, I urged him to thrust into my mouth. I wanted him to thrust hard. It's not like he can hurt me, and I discovered I don't really have a gag reflex so when he shoves his cock down my throat all it does is make me want to swallow, which I did, gladly. He was shuddering and shaking above me. 

After he came, he collapsed on top of me. Lex went to his knees and held my cock in his hand. The look in his eyes made me want to jump him. Instead, I lay back and enjoyed the most incredible blowjob. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was so hot and amazing, and I didn't last very long.

After he sucked me off we talked about my campaign and what I should say in my speech. He's so great at asking the right questions. Thanks to him I have a better idea of what I want to do for our school if I get elected. The feeling of him on top of me, stroking my arm made me hard again.

Being touched by Lex is a wonderful experience. He touches me like I'm breakable, and like I'm the most precious thing in the world to him. I like when he strokes my hair. It makes me feel so loved.

 

15 April @ 11:30 pm

I just had to wait with Lana while her aunt came to get her. We were at the Talon writing my speech when bees attacked us. I managed to get us out of there, and neither one of us was stung. I guess it's true about that girl in my class and what she can do. I confronted her and she threatened to hurt people. She wants me to drop out of the election.

I'm determined to stop her. I can't believe she would go this far to win a high school election. She's usually such a quiet girl, but I guess the pressure got to her.

It's been a hard day. My friend Pete had me all over the place today. I met more people. I'm not angry with Chloe anymore for not endorsing me in her newspaper article. She went with who she thought would do the best job. I wanted her to believe in me and when I found out she didn't, it hurt. I've always believed in her. I know it isn't personal.

I couldn't do the deliveries today. The Wednesday deliveries had to be changed to Thursday and it figures I miss the first new day. I was too busy schmoozing. I didn't get to see Lex. My dad did the deliveries.

I can't believe how much work Pete has put into this campaign thing. He's such a great friend.

I still have to write my speech. I know what I want to say now. I just have to figure out how to say it.

I better get on that.

 

16 April @ 06:30 pm

Everything is finally over. I didn't get elected class president but I don't really care. At least the bee-girl didn't win either. I told Chloe just how much she means to me. I know I haven't been fair to her lately, and that's going to change. I vow to be way more attentive of our friendship. She's always been there for me in the past. I need to stop ignoring.

She and I went over to bee-girl's place to see what else she was up to, and it turns out bee-girl sent her bees after my mom to get back at me. After I saved my mom, I went to check on bee-girl. I tried to tell her that eventually the bees would be too hard for her to control, but she was stubborn. As I suspected the bees turned on her and attacked her, but I managed to stop them and save her. She's in the hospital now. She was stung badly. I'm just glad it's over.

I went to the victory party for the winner. It was held at the Talon which is busy again thanks to Lana. The winner wasn't even there since he was still in the hospital. He was bee-girl's first victim. Lex was there and he looked amazing. I could barely take my eyes off him. I want to go over to the mansion to see him. He looked hot. I think I might have flirted with him right in the coffee shop.

After the party, I had to get home to pack away the election things. I put them in storage and while I was doing it Lana stopped by. She was nice and actually sat to listen to the speech I wrote. I have it in my pocket, and I'm headed to the mansion. I want to surprise Lex.

 

17 April @ 12:22 am

I just came back from the mansion. I don't know what came over me. When I arrived there was this woman leaving. She turned out to be a reporter. When I first saw her leaving, I thought something else. I'm not sure what, but then when Lex didn't tell me who she was and why she was there, I asked point blank since he said to be honest. He answered.

I read my speech to him. I think he really liked it. We started something in his office but then moved it to the bedroom. At first I was kind of freaked and didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about what he felt like, and how tight he is. Lex could tell and got a little annoyed at me. He gave me a chance to talk about it but I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I thought for sure he'd throw me out. 

Instead I decided to fulfill one of my fantasies. I've been thinking about this for a while. I undressed Lex but kept his shirt on his arms so that he couldn't move them. Then I got on my knees. I sucked him off and held onto his wrists. I made him come. It was amazing, having that control over him. 

After he came and I swallowed, I kissed him and told him he's mine. Just so he won't forget. Then I asked him to suck me off. He took off his shirt, pushed me back against the bed, and sucked me off. 

After that we climbed under the covers, both of us naked. I like the feel of his skin against mine. It's so sexy. He's so sexy. I love him. I want to fuck him again.

@ 06:39 pm

Chloe e-mailed these awesome pictures of Lex and me that she took at the Talon party the other night. I wanted to put them somewhere that nobody would find. She's so funny. Her e-mail was titled the 'look of love'. Ha, Ha. 

She caught Lex smiling. He looks so relaxed in these pictures. I look like a total dork, as always, but Lex looks amazing. I think I'll print one and put it in my wallet. Not sure which one to pick yet. I'm leaning toward the one where he's smiling. 

@ 07:57 pm

I pretty much spent most of the day doing work. The busy season is about to start and dad needs me every chance I can spare. Lex went to some event in the city for a few days so I've been keeping myself busy. 

I went into town with mom to run some errands. Then when I got home she cut my hair. It was getting way too long. I like it short, out of my eyes and off my ears, but it's a long involved process that involves chainsaws and other sharp implements so we don't do it very often.

I didn't really do much else. I think I'm going to head into town to have a coffee, or maybe see a movie or something. Mom said I should get out.

Tomorrow I get to take the hunk-of-junk tractor out to start the field prep. I have to go around with a trailer and pick up all the stones etc. that are in the field. Yeah! what fun.

 

18 April @ 11:15 pm

I'm tired. I spent the day clearing stones from the fields. I even stumbled on a meteor rock, but dad was there to help. It's really not a very exciting chore.

I wanted to make a good impression so I showered, and dressed up nice before going to see Lex. When I got to the mansion Lex and Mr. K were having dinner. I felt awkward interrupting them but they invited me to join them at the table. I wasn't hungry since I'd already eating dinner.

Mr. K. made a quick exit after some weird comments between him and Lex. I didn't ask. I thought it was my fault, but Lex assured me it wasn't my fault. After he left, Lex and I went to play some pool. We made out. I think Lex liked my hair cut because he couldn't take his hands off my hair. It felt great. I really like when he touches my hair.

Lex looked amazing tonight. He's so sexy. I wish I could carry myself the way he does. He always looks so poised and confident. I e-mailed him these pictures Chloe took of us together at the victory part so Lex could have a copy of them. He looks amazing in them. He's so relaxed and smiling. They're my favorite pictures of us together. 

 

19 April @ 11:44 pm

Even when I'm being cool about Mr. K, he acts like I hate him. He pulled me into his office today when I was doing deliveries to talk to me about Sunday. I had no idea he was so upset. I would never hit him and he actually thinks that I would! I was surprised. Most people who know me would think that I'm totally harmless and I am.

He even called me dim. I'm not dim. Am I?

 

20 April @ 11:28 pm

Today while I was doing chores a woman stopped to ask for directions to the Medical Center. She asked me for a glass of water so I let her in and gave her one.

My dad got home just as she was about to leave. His reaction puzzled me. I've always been taught to help others when they're in need.

After she left dad lectured me. I was never in any danger. He said silly stuff like, what if she had been a reporter or something like that. When did my dad get so suspicious? This woman, Pam, was just a nice person who lost her way.

I told my dad that he needed to get a grip. I actually used those words. 

 

22 April @ 11:13 am

Last night Lex stopped by. We hadn't seen each other in a few days so he thought he'd stop in to say hello. It was late and mom and dad had turned in early. I'd just finished saying good night to Lana. She and I spent a few hours working on our history project.

I was glad to see Lex. We fooled around for a bit. I feel braver now than I ever have in the past. I was the one who kissed him first. Kissing him makes me excited. I feel silly saying this, but when I kiss him I feel lost in another world. Like nothing can ever hurt or touch us. 

We started to talk about past experience with sex. I still find it hard to talk about it even though I've already been there. I feel like a geek, but Lex never makes fun of me for that. I can't even ask for what I want. I get so embarrassed when I try. I don't even know why.

While we were talking Lex did tease me a little, but in a good way. It was real torture. I even begged. Lucky for me he gave in and I got what I wanted. After that I felt a little guilty mostly because I wanted to return the favor. Unfortunately we were interrupted.

Lana had forgotten her history book. I was so embarrassed, but Lex just stood there like there was nothing out of the ordinary going on although he did blush at first. I wish I could be so calm. My pants were still unzipped. I thought I was going to die from embarrassment. It must have been obvious what Lex and I had been doing before she arrived. Thank goodness I was wearing boxers.

After she warned me that maybe my loft wasn't the best place to do what we'd been doing, she took her book and left. Lana is the last person I ever wanted to have seen me making out with my boyfriend. Not to mention my pants undone. I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eyes for some time.

It's funny because earlier Lex and I had talked about which we prefer better, male or female. He said he liked men more than women and I had to agree. Then he made a crack about not having to be jealous of Lana anymore. I pointed out that she's into girls.

We also talked about experience and how much he's used to getting when he's with somebody. I'm always afraid that what I give him isn't enough to satisfy his needs. He told me that his libido knows no limit. That's kind of a scary thought.

He told me I'm beautiful and sexy. That was embarrassing. I changed the subject right away. Despite the warning from Lana about the danger of being so intimate with Lex in my loft, I sucked him. My heart was pounding in my chest because I was thinking about what could happen if my mom discovered us. That didn't stop me and we satisfied our libidos.

 

23 April @ 11:29 am

If dad and mom knew that I just used the truck for sex, I am sure they would be very unhappy.

I don't care. I just saw Lex sitting there and I had to blow him. His voice was so sexy. He has the sexiest voice ever. I get hard when I hear it.

I picked Lex up in my dad's truck, since mom and dad had the car. I don't think Lex was all that amused, but we needed to drive somewhere that a Ferrari can't get. I took him out to a secluded spot so we could have some privacy. It was so nice and quiet. I really like the quiet.

I had to give Lex my t-shirt because I came all over his shirt. I made a big mess. I bet he'd look sexy in my flannel shirt, too. I just look goofy no matter what I wear.

I have a feeling something is going on with Lex. He was distant tonight after he jerked me off. I didn't need to pry. He confided in me. It turns out it's the anniversary of his mother's death. He looked so sad and alone. I didn't know what to say to make it better. He still seemed sad when I dropped him off. I wish he'd talk to me more, but he said he couldn't. I told him I'm here for him, but somehow I don't think he'll confide in me. I just have this feeling that it hurts too much. I think I know how he feels.

 

25 April @ 10:53 pm

I spent most of today with my mom. She needed a lot of things done. She also needed to take me shopping for new clothes. I ended up getting more than we thought since the store was having a sale. I think my mom planned it that way. She got me some new shoes, which I desperately needed, since I wore out the old one, and some new flannel shirts. I also got three new red t-shirts. That's my favorite color. Actually red and blue are my favorite colors. My mom always picks out my clothes. I just go to make sure the sizes are right. I did draw the line at brown corduroys. They were really gross. Besides, Lex would have hated them. They looked bad on me.

The new shoes are great. I like Hush Puppies. They always have my size. It's not easy to find size 14 shoes. I even got two new pairs of pants; a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of grey khakis.

The history project is finally finished. I feel like I spent my whole life doing that thing. I think it turned out great though, so we should get a really good grade. I need to get a few things done before bed that I have been putting off.

@ 11:55 pm

I think that woman I met a few days ago is from Lex's past. She might have been here to check me out.

Pamela seemed so nice. I don't really know the story, so tomorrow I plan on bringing it up in as delicate a way as possible with Lex. He seems so bitter I don't want him to close up on me. I have to be careful or I might lose the opportunity to help. I want to help. Sometimes I think there is no way I ever could since I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent. I guess I lost both of my original parents, but I have no memory of them at all, so I don't know that it's the same thing.

 

6 April @ 04:20 pm

I feel so bad. I forgot to get Chloe and I tickets to this journalism thing that I promised her I would attend with her. I was in charge of getting them and I totally forgot. I've been so busy lately that it slipped my mind. I'll have to ask Lex if there's some way he can swing some passes for us.

@ 11:40 pm

I talked to Lex today when I dropped off the deliveries. He's really in bad shape. Somebody from his past is back and she wants something from him. I didn't really know what to say. 

I wanted to see if Lex would open up so I went over and told him that like Alexander with the Gordian knot I wanted to cut right to the heart of the matter instead of trying to untangle an impossible puzzle, and maybe get my fingers all bloody.

He opened up a bit and told me about Pamela. I told him not to worry about me. She didn't hurt anybody by what she did. I understand why she wanted to meet me. I know I'm not angry with her at all. I'm mostly just worried about how this will affect Lex.

I did get to go see Lex again later last night for a few hours. We mostly just played some pool and talked. He managed to get Chloe and me tickets to the Saturday journalism conference with just one phone call.

 

27 April @ 07:32 pm

I have a problem; my friend Pete told me that Chloe has always liked me. I mean, I know that she's been with Lana for a while now, and I know that a few months ago my friend Ryan mentioned that she wanted to go to formal with me, but I never really thought that Chloe was still thinking this way about me.

All of a sudden I'm actually thinking about what it would be like if I was with Chloe. I've always liked her and she's such a great person. I would never cheat on Lex or break up with him, but I just can't help wondering. Plus I can't really take Lex to the formal. I'm thinking of asking Chloe to go with me. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. The look on her face the other day when she said I ignore her for Lana and Lex was painful to see. I am sure once I tell Lex why I want to take Chloe to the formal, he'll totally understand. 

 

28 April @ 01:35 pm

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Lex's mom died. He told me this last night. I was naked in his bed at the time. I went over in the hopes that he would confide in me. That was as much as he confided.

Then he sucked me off and I offered myself to him. He turned me down, which is fine. I should have held back. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to help him forget just for a little while. I told him I'm ready. I want him to do it. I want to feel him inside me. The thought doesn't terrify me at all. He said we could talk about it in the future. I sucked him off after and when I looked up I was shocked to see that he was crying. I thought I'd hurt him somehow.

It turns out he was hurt long before I met him.

@ 06:15 pm

Justin is hiding something. I just know it! I caught him with Chloe today. They were kissing, and I wanted to explode. I wanted to tear him off of her. Chloe got angry with me.

I want her to be careful. I don't want her to get hurt. Why can't she understand that?

 

29 April @ 10:55 am

Last night Lex stopped by. He caught me reading that book Men are from Mars. I was trying to get an insight into the female psyche. It was so embarrassing. We talked a little about the situation with Chloe and Justin. I didn't think it was the best time to bring up that I'm considering taking Chloe to the formal. I figured I could save that for a better time. Besides I haven't even asked Chloe yet.

Just as we kissed, my mom came up to tell me that the principal of the school had been killed in an accident. I'm not sure how much she saw. She hasn't said anything to me yet. She did give me this look last night after Lex left, but didn't talk to me about it. This morning I was too rushed to talk to her. 

My mom saw me kiss Lex! I'm trying hard not to freak over this.

@ 11:18 pm

Justin killed our principal. I really wish I'd been wrong.

Chloe almost died today, but I got to her in time. It really sucks. The man who was driving the car that hit Justin turned himself into the police. I feel so bad for everybody.

I was so glad Chloe was still alive for me to hold her in my arms. 

I am so nervous right now. My mom still hasn't said a word about what she might have seen. I'm beginning to think that maybe she didn't see anything at all. Maybe I just imagined it. Maybe she'll just leave it alone. But that isn't like my mom. I know she saw something.

I have bitten my nails down to the skin, worrying about what she might do or say. What if she orders me to stop seeing Lex?

 

30 April @ 04:06 am

I know she already knows about us, but there's knowing, and then there's knowing! It's one thing to be told something, but a whole other thing to see it with your own eyes.

I'm hiding in the barn right now. Mom and dad have already gone to bed, but I can't go to bed. I'm too nervous. I'm too freaked out.

I woke up from another one of my nightmares. In the dream Lex called me a liar and told me he was tired of people treating him so badly. Then he told me that he would destroy me. 

I almost went to mom to confront her, but I couldn't do it. I hyperventilated before I could. 

Lex, I don't mean to lie to you. I don't want to lie. Please don't hate me when you find out I'm a freak alien from another planet.

@ 10:16 am

I talked to mom this morning. I fell asleep on the sofa out in barn, and she came to get me for breakfast. 

She didn't freak out. She just said to be more careful when we're on the farm. Translation: no doing stuff here when mom and dad are around. I didn't ask how she felt about seeing us. I was too afraid. I mostly just sat and listened while she talked. I think I blushed the whole time.

It was really careless of us, but sometimes when I'm with Lex I don't think. Being gay shouldn't be something that is considered evil or illegal.

If I were dating a girl none of this would be something I would have to think about at all. It's totally unfair. I guess the world isn't really a fair place.

@ 07:47 pm

Chloe and I are going to this media thing in the city tomorrow. I got some money from mom so I could take Chloe out for dinner after.


End file.
